Water Flotation Devices

Currently at the lake, and in the spirit, a considered opinion on the following topics: water flotation devices, Georgia and outlet malls. Co-authored by Hilary Carmichael.

Water flotation devices. It has come to our attention that many manufacturing fields have experienced significant engineering feats in the past ten years, among them baby carrying contraptions and floaties. But the question is, are they helping us or hindering us? We've all experienced that 90's-age "wear your life jacket as a diaper" phase, yet there is extensive warning written all over the device to wear it properly or run the risk of death.

Many of our current flotation technologies also include the disclaimer, however, in order to prevent members of our over-litigating society to sue the shit out of their company, if you will. Travel to Europe and South America, and you'll find they don't give a crap about whether you sue them, and even less about whether or not you die - hell, you can go sky diving, bungee jumping, and climb Machu Picchu without signing so much as one waiver. Have your money ready and go, that's all they really care about. Coincidentally, even if you sign the waiver in America releasing yourself of all rights and the company of all responsibility, you are still likely to get 10 mil in damages if your parachute crashes. But we digress. So the bottom line is, are they really helping us? Yes.
Rather than looking like the idiots above, Americans now have the great fortune to be able to purchase (for $44) the wonderful, the amazing SADDLE FLOAT. With a back portion able to accomodate an ass the size of Alaska, you definitely won't drown. Honestly though, the best part about all these new developments is that whether you snap your neck, break your arm, or up and die of a heart attack while standing within 5 feet of your floatie, it's still probable that you will get 10 mil in settlements. So the moral of the saga...yes, buy your flotation devices, and feel free to use them incorrectly!

Georgia: lush, hot, with good peaches. Hil's first time, definitely not her last.

Outlet Malls: a true American treasure. We're talking red, white, and blue. Your favorite stores, with discounted prices. I mean people, come on -- don't we marvel at the celebs dressed in Marc Jacobs, Burberry, and Michael Kors? Didn't we all rave about how jealous we were of LC when she worked for Teen Vogue on The Hills? Well, now you can have it all...the stuff that didn't sell, two seasons later. Okay, so maybe it's not ideal, but the fact that you can spend $300 and come out with a ton of designer clothes just makes you feel happy (til you get the credit card bill). Still, you always get to carry around the little treasure of a gorgeous, navy blue, leather Michael Kors clutch/wallet that you got for 75% off, and act like you bought it for full price. Thanks, capitalism.

Please look for further ponderings soon. If you have any products or staples of American society you'd like us to consider, please email us. Cheers.